Nothing is more sacred in our quest for a full and happy life than finding true love. At the age of 73, the chances of finding my soul mate seemed as likely as finding a unicorn munching acorns in the back garden. Or so I thought. My first marriage lasted 16 years and produced two wonderful children, but it was really a marriage of convenience between Patricia and me. We never did share the same passions and interests. My marriage to Penny lasted 23 years. She too was a fine women and we shared some exciting times, but we each danced to different drummers.
Now my life was lonely. Had either of Pat or Penny been true soulmates, the marriages would have survived both the good and the bad times everyone encounters throughout life’s journey.
During a period of intense soul searching, I realized my marriage failures were caused by me. Both Patricia and Penny were good women, but not the right fit with who I am. In the process of hiring senior employees for my business, I am always careful to ensure we hire someone whose values and attitude to work were compatible with the rest of the team.
However, before marrying Patricia and Penny we did no did not take sufficient time to discuss, explore, and compare our core values and interests. Had we done so before marrying, it would have been clear we were not sufficiently in sync to survive life’s most challenging situations.
With this realization, I decided to set out on a final quest to find the perfect life partner. But this time I vowed not to repeat the same mistakes that caused my previous marriages to fail. The first step was to have clarity on the qualities me and my partner must share for both of us to achieve true happiness and fulfilment. After much thought, here’s the list of seven qualities I wanted to share with a life partner:
- We would have compatible interests. Mine are art, music, words, theatre, travel, and living a physically active life.
- We must share the same values and philosophy of life. I lean left both politically and socially and prefer to collaborate and compromise when issues arise.
- We would share equally in the day-to-day management of our life
- We needed to live life at the same pace. I prefer to live life at a leisurely pace having a few close friends with shared interests.
- We would enjoy a crackling physical attraction to each other.
- We would never waste our money, or our time, on toys, trips, and expressive things we didn’t need.
- My ideal partner would have a great sense of humor laced with fun and never be hurtful. Her smile would light up my day.
Having established the qualities for my ideal partner the next step was devising a strategy to find her. At my age there was no time to waste.
And I was not prepared to compromise in finding my soul mate. But where to begin? As someone who is inherently shy, I have never developed an ability to immediately engage with women at social gatherings. And none of my friends was reaching out to match me up with someone they knew.
I was aware of dating services, but this commercialized meeting method didn’t feel right for me. However, with no alternative to consider, I decided to investigate further. An evening spent checking out online dating services was reassuring. Some catered to seniors, and many of the women whose profiles I checked out seemed interesting. Based on this research, but with serious reservations, I signed up for a one-month trial with a dating service that catered to an older demographic.
Having made the decision to try an online dating service I proceeded with caution using the same approach to dating that had proven effective in building my businesses. I didn’t want to waste my time, or the time of women who were using the service. So before contacting anyone, the first step was to restrict my outreach to women whose age was plus or minus mine within 10 years. She must live a stable family focussed life, and live in the Toronto region. For us to be happy it was important that we each maintained our current relationships with friends and family. This would be impossible if one of us had to move away to a new city or country.
Hundreds of women met these criteria. This was narrowed down by reading every word of their online profile and the personal statements required by this dating service.
This research took weeks. Checking out prospective life partners and soulmates, was an intense and time consuming exercise, especially after a long day at the office. But it had to be done to the best of my ability. Eventually the field was narrowed down to eight attractive women, and one led the field by a wide margin. Her name was Barbara Brown, She was a widow with four grandchildren. She had one appealing attribute not on the list of qualities I hoped to find in my perfect partner. She is a Brit, and I have long been a great fan of British theatre, TV, and music.
In making a first overture to Barbara, I crafted a long and carefully written email. This was composed using the selling tactics I’d picked from the top-gun copywriters who worked for my business. I was thrilled when my introductory email achieved its goal. She accepted an invitation to have dinner the following Friday.
On our first date, she let me know she likes to be called Babs. Widowed for several years, Babs had been experimenting with online dating for about a year, without and success, and was about to give up. Then she received this unusually long message from me and decided to read it. I am glad she did!
She was cautions when meeting a man for the first time. Babs would never have a man pick her up at home, insisting their first encounter take place in a public setting at either a coffee shop or restaurant. She had a preference for academics and highly placed retired military men.
Although I am neither an Oxford professor nor a retired army general, my letter of introduction struck a chord with Babs, she agreed that I could pick her up at home.
When picking up Babs for our first date I was greeted by a slim elegant woman with a beautiful face and glorious warm smile framed by short blonde hair. She was wearing a simple black dress. As we crossed the street to my car she asked, in her posh English accent, “might I take your arm”. This woman had class.
From the outset our conversation was warm and easy. As the evening progressed, it was discovered we had more in common than was obvious from our dating site postings. We both had backgrounds in publishing, we’d regularly dined at the same restaurants. I had done business with her boss at a publishing company where she had worked. While enrolled in a PhD program at McMaster University, Babs had worked with Dr. John Evans, the Founder of McMaster’s Medical School who chaired my company’s medical advisory board. We ended up being the last couple to leave the restaurant that Friday evening. When dropping Babs off at home, I suggested we meet again for brunch on Sunday. She agreed and I headed for home floating on a cloud.
The Sunday brunch was a continuation of our wonderful Friday evening, and that afternoon Babs came with me to help pick out a new autumn jacket.
Our blossoming relationship was off to a promising start. However, from past experience I vowed to move slowly and carefully.
The Monday morning after our second date, I sent Babs an email letting her know how much I’d enjoyed the time we’d spent together over the weekend. Within an hour she sent a terse reply saying she was unable to me again. It seems she had been seeing an Oxford professor who she quite liked, but had thought the relationship was over. However he had called her the previous evening and they had agreed to give it another try. I was devastated.
At the time Bab’s professor friend was traveling. It would be a couple of months before he would be returning to Toronto. Learning this, I let Babs know that, although disappointed, I understood her situation. Perhaps we could stay in touch and maybe take in an occasional movie during the lonely months before her professor returned to Toronto.
In the meantime, I was back to square one in my quest for the perfect partner. There was little to choose between the next four prospects on my list and I decided to meet each of them as soon as possible. Over the next week, I dined with all four at the same French bistro. All were attractive and intelligent, but… But I was smitten by Babs and could not get her off my mind.
Two weeks after our last phone call I called Babs and suggested we take in a movie, and maybe have dinner. She accepted my invitation.
During dinner before the movie, we picked up where we were two weeks ago ─ before I was dumped. Conversation flowed effortlessly, it was an absolute joy being with Babs. After the movie I drove her home and parked immediately behind her brand new bright red Mini Cooper S. She was proud of that little car. Sitting there she said, I’m so glad you called, you’ve been much on my mind, and I’d like see more of you. I have let David (her prof), know that he’s not the right man for me. With that wonderful news I leaned over and gave Babs a first kiss. It was warmly received. At this point I came within a hair of destroying our budding relationship.
When dropping her off at the end of the evening, I had expected her to say thank you for pleasant evening and get out of the car. When the conversation took a more promising turn, I forgot to turn off the engine. With my foot on the break, it idled away during our conversation. When leaning over to give Babs a first kiss my foot slipped off the brake, the car moved forward and pranged the back of her brand new Mini. We were both stunned. A quick check indicated no damage had been done. At this point she gave me a second kiss, and we arranged to get together later in the week.
From this point on our relationship blossomed. Over the next few weeks we discussed the eight qualities I wanted to share with a life partner. These conversations were reassuring and brought us closer together. Six months later we decided it was time try living together.
This saga is being recounted in some detail as I’d like think this experience can serve as an inspiration for others on what to expect when entering a new relationship later in life.
Upon moving in together our relationship blossomed, but a few strains prevented us from the full bonding I’d hoped we’d achieve. We both learned trust must be earned, and it doesn’t happen overnight, especially when you are coming out of previous failed relationships. Building a new relationship takes time and patience, not a virtue of mine. After a few months of co-habiting we decided to rent a condo in Collingwood, a holiday community north of Toronto, so we could have some separate space. This did not work out quite as expected. It turned out we were calling each other several times a day even when living apart. In the end this strengthened our relationship.
It shone a spotlight on our need to be with each other. During this period I was riding my bike for two to three hours daily.
While biking through the woods my thoughts focused on Babs. Clearly we loved one another and by now I knew our interests and core values were in perfect sync. However, to make the relationship work, I had to be more trusting and accepting of who she is, and give her more time to establish trust in me.
It seems Babs and I were on the same wavelength. Within a few months we dropped the idea of spending time apart. Instead we embraced all that is good in our relationship. As the months rolled on it became clear, my quest to find the love of my life was finally over. Each day of our relationship fills me with a sense that all is right with the world.
Babs has enlightened me on what’s important to live a fulfilling and happy life. She is an avid gardener and has taught me the joy that comes from caring for a garden. In my previous life we owned a huge home with an award winning rose garden maintained by a professional gardening service. I never gave much thought to the rose garden. It was just a space to visit occasionally.
With Babs urging I am now playing a hands-on role in our garden. She’s taught me how to properly trim rose bushes and protect them from aphids and cold winters. I’ve learned about climbing roses, blanket roses and shrub roses. She’s taught come to appreciate the subtle colors and leaf formations of various rose genres. My favorite is New Dawn, a climbing rose. The more I learn about the gardening through this mindful hands-on experience, the more pleasure it gives back. This too has made my life more fulfilling as has the awareness of being mindfulness in everything I do.
For the past 14 years Babs and I have lived in Toronto’s Cabbagetown neighbourhood, North America’s largest existing stand of Victorian homes.
Even during the Covid-19 pandemic, when traveling and meeting with friends is not possible we found ways to enjoy every day. We are both music lovers. Before the pandemic we’d be out every week taking in a variety of musical events ranging from Jazz clubs to Tafelmusik baroque classical concerts. Now we get together every afternoon before dinner and listen to classic jazz accompanied by a fine single malt scotch. The artists we enjoy range across the entire spectrum of jazz from a Brea Slosberg, a brilliant young trumpet player/singer to Ella Fitzgerald and Louie Armstrong, Miles Davis, Ben Webster, Oscar Peterson, John Coltrane, B. B. King, Duke Ellington, and Dina Washington. We crank up the volume and mindfully listen to the music. This daily ceremony has taught us an important life lesson. Nothing enhances the joy of listening to music more than sharing it with someone you love. As Shakespeare instructs us, “If music be the food
of love, play on.”
Like everyone else on the planet my life is not perfect and missteps in the past can never be erased. But now I am living with true happiness and fulfilment, and it has nothing to do with having more money, toys or power.
The moral of this story is simple enough. Never give up on your quest to find true love. But when you embark on that journey, plan carefully and have clarity on the destination. And don’t be lured off track by short-term fun and games.
